Sunday afternoon. I start my meditation with one thing in mind. ‘What is the right thing to do?’ I thought of Leo Tolstoy’s story ‘The emperor’s three questions but I couldn’t take it in my heart. I’m surrounded by many people and it’s me as well present. Who to make happy first when there are conflicting interests?

I let the thoughts floating, the eyes half-closed and then I’ve got a visit. A visit from the future. It was a man who introduced himself as my grandson.
“Grandma”, he stated, “I was a baby when you died but I was there, I saw you in your bed. Everybody you loved was there, Mapa, Papa, me, uncle Chris and auntie Penny, aunt Helen with her dog Snoopy and your friend Leon. You were smiling, you died in peace and you’ve lived in peace and harmony. You had respect and forgiveness for yourself and you taught respect and forgiveness to your children without realizing it. Because of your inner peace, you did appreciate individually every person close to you. You made them feel important ’cause you felt important yourself. This is how you lived and I’m glad I have you for grandma.”

I was smiling now, my mind was clear, I was instantly happy. I knew the way to follow. It’s the way in me, knowing, respecting, acknowledging, and forgiving myself. I’m glad the future has invested in time travel. What can your visitor from the future tell you, that makes you happy?

When I was in the 6th grade I bought a beautiful pencil with a sharp tip. I saved it for a special page in my notebook and I continued writing with my old one in the class. Then a boy sitting next to me asked me to borrow my pencil. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t say ‘no’. So I gave him my beautiful unused pencil and my heart was broken.

During my life, this situation has been repeated with different faces. In the group of friends, I’ve never suggested a movie or a place to hang out, even if I had a wish. At the work, I didn’t dare to drive a project, even if I knew very well the area and at home, I considered myself a bad mother when I was tired and I wanted to go to bed earlier than the kids.

The kids became young adults taking care of themselves, so I had not only more time for myself but also my very own space in the flat. I was enjoying taking care of me but I missed also the people around me. As I was dedicated to consider my needs more I decided to make my old childhood dream true and I took a puppy. I gained back a lot of happiness but also a lot of work. Slowly I’ve given up the things I did for myself, my morning jogging, the meditation, even the restroom-privacy. I’ve started feeling empty of power. I fell back to the same situation as when my children were babies and I postponed all my needs to be there for them. I felt guilty to admit that I was more tired than happy.

To my rescue came the dog-trainer. The first day he asked me to describe to him our daily ritual with Snowy, my dog. As I talked my anxiety was obvious. The trainer interrupted me and said: “we build here a harmonic relationship between you, the human being, and the dog. If you deny your own needs then it’s not you anymore. The human being disappears and there can be no relation. It’s either the dog or you but never together.”

This sentence was a key to my soul. All those years it wasn’t me in my relations. I’ve kept my needs well hidden, even from me. Why? Being needy felt humiliating in the society I’ve grown up. Accepted was being proud, need nothing, being a rock. I’ve put up the mask of a strong, independent person to gain appreciation. I’ve given myself away while I was among other people and it remained nothing from me. I felt me only when I was alone. Alone and lonely.

After the training, we came home. I was in peace. The guilty feeling because I was tired and I couldn’t prepared the planned thai-food for the evening has vanished. I talked to the kids, I could hold their disappointment and they could understand my tiredness. We made spaghetti together. Now I’m exploring the beauty and the harmony of the place called ‘we’.